Karmic contracts - Relationship De Ja Vu....

Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss.

Have you ever wondered what your mission in life is supposed to be?

You probably know people who seem to have had their entire life mapped out from the day they were born. You may have envied their sure sense of what they were born to do -- their work, career, marriage, and personal goals.

And yet you have probably also wondered whether that was really all there was to it. So have I. The answer I found is that there's much more involved. I believe that each of us is guided by a Sacred Contract that our soul made before we were born. That Contract contains a wide range of agreements regarding all that we are intended to learn in this life. It comprises not merely what kind of work we do but also our key relationships with the people who are to help us learn the lessons we have agreed to work on. Each of those relationships represents an individual Contract that is part of your overall Sacred Contract, and may require you to be in a certain place at a certain time to be with that person.

This doesn't mean, of course, that free will plays no role in your Sacred Contract. At any given moment -- or "choice point" -- your Contract may provide you with an opportunity for growth. It can come in the form of a challenge at work, the dissolution of an old relationship or the formation of a new one. As you work with my book "Sacred Contracts," you will keep notes on each of the significant Contracts in your life. I recommend that you keep a notebook or journal for just this purpose. (I've designed a Journal of Inner Dialogue to help you organize all the information you'll accumulate as you review the key relationships in your past and present by answering the many questions in my book.)

Your Contract is made up of all these components of your life, yet it can't be reduced to any one of them by itself. One way of viewing your Contract is as your overall relationship to your personal power and spiritual power. It determines how you work with your energy and to whom you give it. Finding and fulfilling your Sacred Contract also depends on how much you are willing to surrender to divine guidance.

The Basis of Sacred Contracts

I believe that we each agree to the terms of our Contract before entering the physical realm of this world. This applies whether you accept the concept of reincarnation, or believe in a single lifetime followed by heaven or hell -- or neither. I go into the background for my beliefs in much greater detail in "Sacred Contracts", but one fascinating parallel occurs in the writings of Plato. In the tenth and final book of his great work The Republic, Plato relates the Myth of Er.

In brief, the story concerns a Greek soldier named Er who is left for dead on the battlefield. Twelve days later he awakens on his own funeral pyre, and later tells a remarkable tale of what he observed while he was suspended between life and death. Er found himself in a kind of way station between heaven and earth where souls were passing from one plane to the other. Dead souls were waiting to be judged and assigned to their reward or punishment, while other souls prepared for their journey to earth. Some were old souls returning for another go-round; others were freshly minted and awaiting their first life on Earth.

At one point the waiting souls are presented with many possible life scenarios, and are advised to choose from these "samples of lives." Plato informs us that "there were many more lives than the souls present, and they were of all sorts. There were lives of every animal and of man in every condition," including tyrants.

Before entering life on the Earth plane, however, the souls were led to the plain of Forgetfulness, a barren waste with no vegetation, where they were required to drink from the river of Unmindfulness. They then promptly forgot everything that had just happened to them. The reason should be obvious: if you know in advance exactly what's going to happen in your life, you would have great difficulty making decisions or taking actions that are intended to teach you something, often through painful experiences. You might naturally be reluctant to begin a relationship with someone who you knew would hurt you, even though you needed to learn a valuable lesson from that person.

Whether we take this myth literally or simply as a teaching device of Plato's, we can use it to gain a higher perspective on our life. If you think of your life's direction as something to which you have agreed, then what formerly seemed like arbitrary or even absurd conditions can be seen in another light. They are part of the roadmap that you've agreed to follow. Each event, each person of any significance whom you encounter, has an agreed-on role in your learning experience. Sometimes the learning is difficult because you don't always surrender to the situation. It may take time for you to see the reasons for it. But the sooner you do, the less painful it becomes. In time, you can learn to accept each event as it happens without struggling against it and prolonging your psychic -- and physical -- suffering. To have a serious illness or injury is difficult enough; seeing it as a punishment or the cruel caprice of fate only makes it harder to bear. The resulting stress will probably also make it worse, and you will take longer to heal or recover.

Naturally, you can't be expected to see everything immediately, or in advance. But if you have a way of looking at the symbolic meaning of your experiences, you will be better prepared to accept the inevitable changes to your life. Fighting change builds up emotional scar tissue. Surrendering to divine will allows you to accept the changes, and get on with your life.

To help you understand and fulfill the terms of your Sacred Contract, you have been encoded with a set of 12 primary archetypes. Four of these are universal archetypes of survival: the Child, Victim, Prostitute, and Saboteur. The other eight are drawn from the vast storehouse of archetypes dating back to the dawn of human history. "Sacred Contracts" shows you how to determine the identity of your eight personal archetypes from a comprehensive Gallery of Archetypes in the Appendix.

If you do not yet have the book, you can gather more information on the role of archetypes in your Sacred Contract by clicking on that link above.

Recovery from Addiction
A Developmental Model
By Terence T. Gorski
May 5 2008
© Terence T. Gorski, 2008
Recovery is a process of progressive growth and change. Just as children must progress through various stages of childhood and adolescence to become adults, chemically dependent people must progress through various stages of recovery in order to achieve a meaningful and fulfilling sobriety.
The Developmental Model of Recovery (DMR) suggests a new understanding for relapse. Just as children who try to run before they can walk tend to fall down, chemically dependent people who skip critical stages of recovery tend to relapse. This way of understanding relapse enhances relapse prevention therapy by adding the proactive approach of identifying current growth oriented recovery tasks to the previous methods of learning to identify and manage relapse warning signs.
The Stages of the DMR
The DMR consists of six progressive stages of recovery - transition, stabilization, early recovery, middle recovery, late recovery, and maintenance. Each stage has a primary focus. During transition the primary focus is upon recognizing the addiction and developing the motivation to become abstinent. The primary focus of stabilization is recuperation from the physical, psychological, and social damage caused by addiction. Early recovery focuses upon identifying and changing the deeply entrenched patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that drive people back into the addiction. Middle recovery revolves around issues related to lifestyle repair and the development of a balanced and health promoting lifestyle. Late recovery focuses upon the resolution of family of origin issues that create pain and problems in recovery. Maintenance is the lifelong process of growth and change needed to keep from relapsing back into the addiction.
The Stages of Recovery - Central Themes
1. Transition - Recognition of Addiction
2. Stabilization - Recuperation
3. Early Recovery - Changing Addictive Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors
4. Middle Recovery - Lifestyle Balance
5. Late Recovery - Family of Origin Issues
6. Maintenance - Growth and Development
The DMR can be viewed as a system for prioritizing problems. It helps recovering people to answer the questions "Where should I start?" and "What should I do first?" “What should I do next?”
The DMR is flexible. Having a primary focus for each stage of recovery doesn't mean that other issues are ignored. It means that emerging problems are dealt with in the context of the current stage of recovery.
Marital problems, for example, can occur at any stage of recovery, but would be dealt with differently in the context of each stage.
• During stabilization the marital problems would be used to mobilize a family intervention designed to motivate the addict into treatment.
• In stabilization, a short term "no divorce" contract would be negotiated and the couple would agree to defer indepth work on the relationship until stabilization is complete.
• In early recovery both the addict and their spouse would be focused upon looking at how their marital problems are a reflection of lingering patterns of addictive thoughts, feelings and actions.
• In late recovery the marital issues would be explored as a reflection of the family of origin problems of both partners.
• During maintenance, the issues would be explored in a developmental life stage context.
The DMR also allows the recognition of complicating factors that prevent people from successfully completing the current recovery tasks. These complicating factors, which range from depression to severe unexpected life problems, must be dealt with in order for people to move ahead in recovery.
Active Addiction
Active addiction is the period of time when most addicted people believe that they are a social drinker or a recreational drug users who are in control. They are getting the effect that they want from the alcohol and drug use, believe they are in control, and don’t see any problems that result from their addictive use. By the end of this stage they recognize that they are addicted, not in control, and need to abstain from alcohol and other drugs in order solve the immediate problems created bytheir drinking and drug use. This leads them into the transition stage of recovery.
Transition
Transition begins when the addiction starts to cause problems that force the addict to make a new evaluation of the relationship between alcohol and drug use and life problems. At the beginning of this stage most addicted people believe that they are a social drinker or a recreational drug user who is in control. By the end of this stage they recognize that they are addicted and not in control and need to abstain. In between these two points the addict experiences a painful inner conflict between the addictive part of themselves that wants to keep believing they are social drinkers and recreational drug users, and the sober reality-based part of them that believes they are addicted or at least on the road to addiction.
There are four major tasks of transition. The first is to develop motivating problems that force addicts to recognize that something is wrong and motivate them to take action. Since, at this stage of recovery, most addicts don't believe that their problems are related to alcohol or drug use, they attempt normal problem solving designed to solve the life problems caused by their addiction without dealing with the alcohol and drug use that is causing the problems.
As this normal problem solving repeatedly fails, they are forced to see the relationship between alcohol and drug use. They can see that their problems are partially the result of drinking and using drugs. They start to see that they are using too much, of the wrong kind, too frequently. This launches most addicts into serious attempts to control chemical use by regulating how much, how often, and what kinds of chemicals they use. Because addiction is a disease marked by loss of control, these attempts fail. These repeated failures to control their use can cause serious oribles that force many addicts to accept the need for abstinence.
Unfortunately, most addicts try to abstain without help and become overwhelmed by symptoms of physical and psychological withdrawal, social pressures, and an avalanche of problems that were created by their addictive use. These problems donl;t end when they stop drinking and drugging, they follow them into sobriety and make it difficult to stay in recovery. When these solo efforts at recovery fail, they realize that they cannot maintain abstinence alone and accept the need for help. At this point many reluctantly and often resistantly seek help in order to solve the immediate problems.
Tasks of Transition
1. Develop Motivating Problems:
2. Attempt Normal Problem Solving
3. Attempts At Controlled Use
4. Accept the need for abstinence
5. Accept the Need For Help
Stabilization
The primary focus of stabilization is recuperation from the physical, psychological, and situational damage caused by the addiction. During this period most recovering people have difficulty thinking clearly, managing their feelings and emotions, controlling their behavior, and coping with crisis that was caused by the addiction.
The treatment during stabilization is problem oriented, directive, and immediate. Abstinence is established and immediate crisis situations are identified. Concrete strategies for crisis stabilization are developed, and the recovering person is closely supervised and supported in executing the strategy.
The five major tasks of stabilization are recovery from withdrawal, interrupting addictive preoccupation, short term social stabilization, learning non-chemical stress management, and developing hope and motivation
The first step in stabilization for many addicts is to recover from withdrawal. There are two types of withdrawal. Acute withdrawal has short term symptoms that clear up in three to five days and include insomnia, agitation, irritability and tremulousness. Post acute withdrawal (P.A.W.) has long-term symptoms and can require six to eighteen months to clear up. These P.A.W. symptoms include difficulty in thinking clearly, managing feelings and emotions, remembering things, and sleeping restfully. At times of low stress the symptoms improve greatly. During periods of high stress the symptoms return. If chemically dependent people experience extended periods of high stress they may develop accident proneness and severe symptoms that lead to physical or emotional collapse.
To recover from acute and post acute withdrawal requires abstinence from alcohol and other drugs, knowledge of the withdrawal symptoms and how to manage them in a sober state, proper medical management and a structured recovery program that includes education, Twelve Step Group involvement, and proper diet and exercise to aid recovery of the brain and relieve stress. A medically supervised detoxification program may be needed if the physical symptoms or acuture withdraw become so severe the person cannot function normally.
As the withdrawal clears up, most addicts need to interrupt addictive preoccupation that is composed of euphoric recall, positive expectancy, obsession, compulsion, and craving. Euphoric recall is a form of irrational thinking that focuses upon the positive memories of alcohol and drug use, while blocking out the negative memories. Euphoric recall leads to the positive expectancy that chemical use may be "good for me" in the future. This leads to obsession with the memories of "how good it used to be" and fantasies of "how could it be in the future." Thinking about the positive effects of alcohol and drugs can trigger an irrational compulsion to use or reactivate a physical craving.
Chemically dependent people who maintain sobriety learn to interrupt addictive preoccupation. They analyze their past chemical use to stop the euphoric recall. They stop thinking about how wonderful it would be to use chemicals in the future to stop the positive expectancies. They talk openly about their obsessions, compulsions and cravings with other people who are supportive of their recovery.
As addictive preoccupation subsides, short term social stabilization is achieved by putting a bandage on serious problems with marriages, jobs, friends, and the law. This is not a time for permanent long-term solutions. It is a time for emergency action to prevent future losses and buy time for recovery.
For the addict, alcohol and drugs are their only tools of stress management. In order to stabilize they must learn non-chemical stress management.
As chemically dependent people stabilize, they develop hope and motivation and begin to believe that recovery is possible. They can see that there is a way to get well by investing time, energy, and resources in the recovery process.
The Tasks of Stabilization
1. Recovery From Withdrawal
2. Interrupting Addictive Preoccupation
3. Short Term Social Stabilization
4. Learning Non-chemical Stress Management
5. Developing Hope And Motivation
Now let’s turn to the stages of early recovery, middle recovery, late recovery and maintenance.
Early Recovery
During early recovery the automatic and habitual thoughts, feelings, and actions related to the addiction are identified and changed. The process begins by understanding that addiction is a chronic, progressive, and eventually fatal disease that has recognizable signs and symptoms. This leads to recognizing the personal symptoms of addiction and becoming convinced that "I have it!" Recognition usually activates shame, guilt and nagging pain that must to be resolved on an emotional level by accepting the reality of the disease and coming to believe that it is okay to have it.
With acceptance comes the willingness to identify and interrupt addictive patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting (addictive TFA's). This leads to the need to learning non-addictive ways of thinking feeling and acting – in short, non-addictive ways coping with the problems of life. We must learn to deal in a sober and responsible way with life on life’s terms in order to cope with the problems of life without the need for alcohol and drugs. Eventually recovering people begin to challenge their fundamental values and assumptions about the need for and importance of alcohol and drug use in their lives. This results in developing a sobriety centered value system that causes them to lose the desire to ever use alcohol and drugs.
The Tasks of Early Recovery
1. Understanding Addiction
2. Recognizing Addiction
3. Accepting Addiction
4. Identifying & Interrupting Addictive Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions
5. Learning Non-chemical Coping Skills
6. Developing A Sobriety Centered Value System
Middle Recovery
The primary focus of middle recovery is on repairing lifestyle damage caused by the addiction to our work, social, family, and intimate lives. We also develop a balanced and health promoting lifestyle by making long-standing changes in marriages, relationships with children, careers, and social lives. Up until this time the primary focus has been on learning how to stay sober while putting band-aides on other lifestyle problems and leaving them as a second priority.
Middle recovery begins by resolving the demoralization crisis that results from becoming aware of how much work remains to be done in recovery. At the end of early recovery the craving has been broken and a new set of sobriety-centered thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and values have been learned and internalized. The person has a strong foundation in sobriety that will allow them to make deep and long-lasting lifestyle changes.
It is discouraging to realize that, in spite of all the hard won internal changes, there are many critical changes in relationships and lifestyle that still need to be made. Many recovering people become discouraged and stop their ongoing recovery process by resisting further growth. Others have the courage to move ahead. They are willing to confront the reality of their lives and to pay the price necessary to develop a balanced lifestyle.
The first step is repairing addiction-caused social damage by reviewing the damage their addiction has done to their families, coworkers, and friends. They then approach each person, acknowledge their responsibility in creating these problems and offer to do whatever is necessary to fix the damage.
The next step is to build a balanced lifestyle needed to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. This often involves changing jobs or careers, renegotiating marriages and friendships, and exploring the basics values upon which the previous lifestyle was built.
When this task is complete most recovering people report that they have a meaningful and productive job, a satisfying marriage or love relationship, a productive relationship with a number of family members and relatives, a solid twelve step recovery program with a good sponsor and numerous friends in the program, and a number of friends and associates who are not involved in the Twelve Step Program.

The Tasks of Middle Recovery
1. Resolving The Demoralization Crisis
2. Repairing Addiction Caused Social Damage
3. Building A Balanced Lifestyle
Late Recovery
Late recovery begins when people are unable to build a comfortable and balanced lifestyle because of unfinished business from childhood. It ends when recovering people resolve their family of origin problems and are able to approach adult living without being affected by irrational childhood beliefs. Some people move through late recovery quickly and with little pain. For others the process is longer and more difficult because they were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children, or never developed adequate social skills.
Late recovery begins with the recognition that childhood issues are affecting the quality of recovery. They can see that they are blindly repeating self-defeating habits that they learned as children. They began to see that the only way out is to learn about family of origin issues by getting accurate information about how childhood experiences can affect their quality of adult sobriety.
The next step is the conscious examination of childhood by writing a detailed childhood history and reviewing it with a therapist, sponsor, or recovery group. This history identifies repeating self-destructive patterns of irrational thinking, emotional mismanagement, and self-defeating behaviors that were learned as children. Knowledge of these patterns gives the power to choose to continue in self-destructive patterns or to change.
This knowledge must be applied to adult living in order to consciously connect what they learned as children to how they are mismanaging their lives as sober adults.
This leads to lifestyle change. These deeply ingrained self-defeating habits will not disappear simply because we understand how they were developed. We must decide to change our lifestyles, set goals, develop action plans, and enlist the help of others.
The Tasks of Late Recovery
1. Recognition That Childhood Issues Are Affecting The Quality Of Recovery
2. Learning About Family Or Origin Issues
3. The Conscious Examination Of Childhood
4. Identification of Self-defeating Patterns
5. Application To Adult Living
6. Lifestyle Change
Maintenance
Maintenance is a life-long process designed to prevent the tendency to relapse into old patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting that can set the stage for a relapse to addictive use.
The first task of maintenance is maintaining a recovery program that promotes prompt identification and management of problems. Next is a policy of effective day-to-day coping. People in maintenance are not free from problems, but they have learned how to manage problems efficiently without having to resort to alcohol or drugs. One AA member put it this way. "I measure my recovery not by how many problems I have, but by how well I manage the problems that I do have."
The next task is continued growth and development. The human mind, when free from alcohol or drugs, is designed to seek truth. Human beings continue to grow and change from the time we are conceived until the time we die. We are not free to choose whether we grow and change, we are only free to choose the direction of that growth and change.
Addiction creates the innate tendency to grow in negative and self destructive ways. For most recovering people positive growth and change requires constant attention to the details of life and living. To stay sober for a lifetime requires effective coping with life transitions and complicating factors. All people move through different periods of adult development that present different problems and challenges. In late recovery, people develop a sense of what normal adult development is all about and anticipate the changes they will undergo as they grow older. They learn to accept each progressive stage of maturity with a sense of serenity. They surrender gracefully the ways of youth while embracing the ways of maturity.
The Tasks of Maintenance
1. Maintaining A Recovery Program
2. Effective Day-to-Day Coping
3. Continued Growth And Development
4. Coping With Life Transitions And Complicating Factors
Using The DMR
The DMR is a flexible tool that can be used in a variety of ways. Counselors can learn to help clients evaluate their stage of recovery and establish treatment plans. The DMR can also form the basis of a powerful self-care technology that can enhance, but not replace, the working of the Twelve Steps. By learning about the stage and tasks of the DMR, many recovering people can develop effective recovery plans and make better decisions about what type of professional help is needed. The DMR is a powerful tool that is needed to move the changing field of chemical dependency treatment into the future.
For more information please contact the CENAPS office at 352-596-8000 or visit CENAPS. Publications for RPT are available at www.relapse.org or 1-800-767-8181. Also check out www.gorskisoberliving

Everything has meaning - create a new inention in your life about the meaning of compassionate love.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Live as if your were already living for the second time and as if you had acted for the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now. If we want to know how to experience being given a second chance, another opportunity to do it differently, instead of rewind, erase, we can learn through the disciplines of Self actualisation and or prayer and meditation to pause in that space between a response and reaction and THINK our way into a better, positive truthful response. It is not about the pursuit of perfection, instead why not do your best for yourself and others with an untired spirit?

If life is to be "worn as a loose garment" and that "garment has become shabby" is not the one you wish to wear because it is not good enough you can choose to create a new way of being in your life. A positive, proactive way of existence that allows you to move freely about the planet, shedding as you release the layers of discontent and disappointment. If the purpose, person, place or thing doesn't suit your needs, reflect upon how you can change your attitude about this and then let go. OM SHANTE. A job well done.

Otherwise we are layering , torn and imperfect and your core belief is that this is too be hidden, it's not good enough to be

Everyone has a unique gift or special talent to give to others. And when we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals.

Love is a channel to engage with another human being in the innermost core their essential being. By their love one is able to see essential traits, patterns and themes - their unique tapestry of meaning and see what is their potential for spiritual growth- love is fostering anothers spiritual growth. Empathy, validation and congruence make up a style of being relationship that is effective because it triggers reciprocity. Relationships teach us about ourselves, about others and about the world.

I subscribe to the belief that whatever is happening in that moment - I can if I am present do what love would do. If I am not, a spiral into entitlement causes upsets, real or perceived and robs me and another the opportunity to be present.
The is no future in the past. What I eat to day, walks and talks tomorrow. Just for today I will practice loving kindness and let go of the need to know the outcome of any given situation.




I will put the Law of Dharma into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:The Law of Dharma

1. Today I will lovingly nurture the god or goddess in embryo that lies deep within my soul. I will pay attention to the spirit within me that animates both my body and my mind. I will awaken myself to this deep stillness within my heart. I will carry the consciousness of timeless, eternal Being in the midst of time-bound experience.

2. I will make a list of my unique talents. Then I will list all the things that I love to do while expressing my unique talents. When I express my unique talents and use them in the service of humanity, I lose track of time and create abundance in my life as well as in the lives of others.

3. I will ask myself daily, “How can I serve?” and “How can I help?” The answers to these questions will allow me to help and serve my fellow human beings with love.

Life can include process in the perpetual pursuit of searching for meaning..

It was with great interest that I saw "INCEPTION" last week. The narrative hooked me in within minutes. Humankind is so utterly complex - lifetimes of existence help shape the individuals family constellation - and peak experiences have the potential to transform people, places and things in a way that can be cathartic but what happens when a person doesn't have the ability to take such a leap of faith? It is always fascinating how to portray the states of minds- the conscious and unconscious without losing focus. The moment when the protagonist connects to his meaning of existence is exquisite. We, the audience witness his moral dilemma- laden with Freud's repetition compulsion - Oedipus complex and totemism - the psychodrama of human relations and their perpetual theme of betrayal is beautifully captured.

The power of the unconscious is well researched- we know that the mind's typography resembles an iceberg - that we are capable of living consciously but don't. Lifting the veil of illusion is a process. Choosing to an examined life makes for many dark night of the soul episodes. Courage is called upon to go through the layers of duality. Anne Wilson-Schaeff is a remarkable therapist. I re-read each one occasionally and discover another aspect of understanding the tapestry of live.
Notes from Living in Process
by Ann Wilson Schaef



Living in Process is about spiritual remembering, about shedding old destructive patterns, beliefs, and
behaviors; we live fully spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally in harmony with ourselves, others,
and the planet; a deep spiritual commitment of being at one with one’s life – that no matter what is going on
within us, everything is all right. When we honestly own where we are or what is going on inside of us, we
can move on.

We may have a personality; we are not our personality. When we think of ourselves as personalities, we
mentally conceptualize ourselves as a static, unmoving, unchanging given. We then project this tendency
onto others and our environment – to control life and to make life static. At some point in our evolution as
human beings, we developed the notion that if we could just make ourselves and everything around us stay
the same, we would feel safer. Unfortunately, trying to make ourselves and our world static has had just the
opposite effect. We have become more and more anxious and more deadened.

There is a kindness and gentleness that develops in the way we treat ourselves when we recognize we are
an evolving, emerging process, rooted in and connected to making conscious choices. We are actors in our
life, not just reactors. When we do react, we recognize that the reactions are ours and take responsibility for
them. We have to be able to move beyond our illusionary perception of dualism, which may be one of the
most difficult – not impossible – tasks we have ever attempted.

For some, this seems like jumping off into the void, and maybe it is. We keep asking, “What’s the third
option? What’s the third option?” The third option is always going inside and seeing what the truth is for
you. Many people underestimate themselves and become satisfied with a quick fix. Once they’re feeling
better, they’re not willing to go to the depths within themselves required to truly heal themselves at a soul
level. They will feel a little better, give up some of their harmful and dysfunctional behaviors, and back off,
accepting existence rather than true living as enough. In this work, there is an acceptance of wherever one
is, while at the same time believing and knowing that we can have and are meant to have an abundant,
fully alive life.

Giving up our illusion of control is one of the major steps we take toward our healing, developing the ability
to trust the process of life, knowing that it will give us what we need while offering us opportunities to grow
and heal. We may not always understand immediately why our lives are taking the turns they’re taking. Yet,
if we wait with openness, usually the learnings and the knowings will come to us when we are ready to
receive them. Open, nonjudgmental thinking is possible only when we are willing to deal with our own
feelings, do our own deep-process work.

We make up constructs about how we believe the world is and then we start living them instead of life.
Often, we are living in a virtual reality of our own creation little related to the reality of our lives. When we
switch to drama, we have left our lives. Going inside, praying, sitting with, doing our deep-process work,
and waiting with are what will get us clear. If what we are deciding is important, it may take some time.

Our culture teaches us to disregard our own needs and to shut ourselves off from our spiritual selves. This
has resulted in a deep sense of spiritual, emotional, and physical loss that permeates all that we do and
are. We disregard our bodies, escape from intimacy with ourselves and others, and are always looking for
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something outside ourselves to “fix” us or numb us out. The levels of adrenaline that we need just to keep
going increase exponentially as we search in vain for meaning in our lives.

One of the first steps toward sanity is to confront our own dysfunctional processes. Dysfunction controls us.
Also, by definition, dysfunctions are mind-altering and soul-destructive.

Process addictions have the same effect as substance addictions, and they are subtler and generally more
integrated into the society. Process addictions teach us to become obsessed with activities such as
excessive working, spending, exercising, sexing, and thinking.

There are many doors into our deep process: tears, a rising feeling, an overreaction or emotion too intense
for the situation at hand, picking a fight with a spouse or others as a distraction. an urge to indulge in our
favorite addictions, a fleeting thought or awareness, a song that won’t get out of our mind, something
entering our sphere that tries to lull us or trick us into believing we’re experiencing the “good life,” pain,
depression, deep happiness.

The actual process of our deep work teaches us to surrender. Only when we allow it to carry us wherever it
wants to take us can we get the full meaning of deep process. Staying in the present with your deep-
process work means you stay with whatever is coming up for you in the present. This can literally be
anything – from any time, from any place. If we truly trust our process, we go where our deep work leads
us. We do not predetermine where or what that will be.

The old therapy paradigm is an approach where someone, the therapist or the client, determines what one
needs to work on – or not work on – and sets about doing it. In this work our deep processes have an inner
wisdom that moves much beyond our thinking and understanding. Being in the present means we trust that
wisdom to bring up what we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to work on.

There is no such thing as just getting by. Symptom relief and adjustment are dead-end concepts. Whatever
horrors come up in our deep process, if we are ready and willing to face them and go through them we can
experience healing at a level beyond our wildest imagining. We must be willing to see what we see and
know what we know. When we accept whatever comes up for us as possibilities for learning and healing,
we can do what we need to do to heal. When we con ourselves and others, we destroy our souls.

Healing is most effectively and powerfully done in a community setting. And, healing the soul demands a
community context for complete healing. We have to do it ourselves. We don’t have to do it alone. We not
only need support, we need to hear from one another and learn about ourselves from hearing from one
another. Often, as others share their stories, their struggles, and their experiences we are able to learn
about ourselves in ways that we never previously considered. The isolation of dysfunction and self-
obsessed thinking takes us out of our awareness that we are a part of a whole therefore connected with all
things.

There is no goal in living our process, except to live it. Our processes can change. Our lives can change as
we participate in the process. Our only requirement is to trust the process and live in faith. Remember,
depression and other feelings just are. They are there for a reason. If we can welcome them as possibilities
for healing and learning, we will get the lesson. Whenever we fight a feeling or awareness, it just gets
bigger. Sometimes our inner process can get depressed if we don’t listen to it.

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Being with ourselves, trusting our process, and doing our deep-process work result in levels of self-intimacy
rarely imagined. As we do our work and explore ourselves, we may not always like what we see and what
we learn. Yet, in learning truly who we are, the good and the bad, the acceptable and the unacceptable, we
come to the what is and that’s what is important. It’s only from what is that we’re able to move to what can
be. If we will not or cannot explore and accept the what is, we are doomed to be stuck. Paradoxically, it’s
only as we accept our truth, who we are, that we have the possibility of changing. Often, we believe we are
intimate when it is just our image, our façade – how we believe others want to see us or who we would like
to be. This is not intimacy. This is dancing with a shadow. Many believe we find out who we are in
relationships. Not true! We must have a self to bring to the relationship. If we are looking to the relationship
to define us, we’re simply using it as a quick fix and it is doomed to fail. Relationships aren’t meant to tell us
who we are. Relationships can add to who we are; they can never define who we are.

If the meaning of life is to live it, and that implies moving along our spiritual journey, then our primary
relationship is with our spirituality. All other relationships exist to augment and enhance that relationship.
When our primary relationship is with our spirituality, we are responsible for and to the gifts of the
relationships we have in our lives, and able to open ourselves to the sometimes frightening depth of
intimacy available to us. We do not let our spousal relationships or familial relationships dictate our lives.
We must also remember that everyone’s primary relationship is with their spirituality, and an important
aspect of intimate relationships is respecting, supporting, and facilitating, where possible, this spiritual
journey.

Mask relationships are made up of my mask relating to your mask and are the hallmarks of dysfunctional
relationships. There are some marriages and other relationships that are built entirely on mask
relationships, and one feels a progressive deadness. The real relationship may never be present in some
lives, and it is always a blessing when it is. This relationship is the one that mirrors, reflects, and augments
our primary relationship with our living process. When experienced with another human being, this
relationship is very precious. This relationship is a process, not a “thing.” To foster this relationship:

1. We are centered in ourselves, but not self-centered.
2. We’re honest about what we want and need; we own our own behaviors and leave it to the other
person to find out and own their issues.
3. We take responsibility for doing our own deep-process work and never “puke our process” on others to
distract ourselves when we have something come up.
4. We recognize that when we have a strong reaction to something our spouse or friend is saying or
doing, it may have nothing to do with the situation at hand. It may very well be triggering an old deep
process in us that is now ready to be worked out.
5. We exist separately from our relationships – each person has to find her/his own way.
6. As we respect our own and others’ processes, we begin to experience the many ways of letting go.
7. We remind ourselves that expectations are illusions of control and will become premeditated
resentments.
8. We remember that love cannot be controlled. Love is a gift. We have it only to give. We cannot force
others to give love to us.
9. When we have feelings, we don’t need to control them, and we don’t want to dump them on others. We
need to go into them and do our deep process work. No one ever died from feelings, and many people
have died from not feeling them.
10. As we respect our process we learn to respect the processes of others.
4
11. We don’t need to set boundaries or work on “the relationship.” When we work on the relationship, we’re
seeing it as static and trying to control it. We only need to do our own work and the relationship will
follow, if it is right for us.
12. When we are truly in our relationships we are living the process of them. If we find ourselves looking
around for something better, we have left.
13. We cannot treat a living relationship mechanically and still have a good relationship—“if I do this, then
this,” and so forth.
14. We are open to where our paths will lead even if that’s in different directions.
15. No drama is good drama.
16. Compassion and caring are essential.
17. When we’re not present in our bodies, and others are not present in their bodies, it’s useless to try to
carry on a conversation. We need to check out with ourselves what we need, see what is going on
inside us, if possible share that information – without judgment and do what we need to do.
18. A “process pause” is essential before responding to any situation, especially if a situation is heated.
Even when it’s not it’s wise to stop, wait, get clear, and do our own work if necessary before
responding.
19. It is dishonest and disrespectful to ourselves and others to try to connect with someone who is not truly
present.

Change is constant.

Developing a relationship with Self is the challenge of a lifetime. It is easier to project ones wishes for a happy existence onto another. Changing patterns and themes that took years to develop is not an easy task. With support it is possible to learn new ways of inter-personal effectiveness. The key to emotional regulation is awareness. If we are not conscious of our actions, how they impact others, then we will experience the pathos of separation from Self and others. Collaboration is key to an empowered existence.

Self-transformation

by Bhikkhu Bodhi

It is perhaps symptomatic of the "fallen" nature of the ordinary human condition that few of us pass the full extent of our lives comfortably reconciled to our natural selves. Even in the midst of prosperity and success, grinding notes of discontent trouble our days and disturbing dreams come to haunt our sleep. As long as our eyes remain coated with dust we incline to locate the cause of our discontent outside ourselves -- in spouse, neighbor or job, in implacable fate or fluky chance. But when the dust drops off and our eyes open, we soon find that the real cause lies within.

When we discover how deeply the cause of our unhappiness is lodged in the mind, the realization dawns that cosmetic changes will not be anywhere near enough, that a fundamental internal transformation is required. This desire for a transformed personality, for the emergence of a new man from the ashes of the old, is one of the perennial lures of the human heart. From ancient times it has been a potent wellspring of the spiritual quest, and even in the secular, life-affirming culture of our own cosmopolitan age this longing has not totally disappeared.

While such concepts as redemption, salvation and deliverance may no longer characterize the transformation that is sought, the urge for a radical reshaping of the personality persists as strong as ever, appearing in guises that are compatible with the secular worldview. Where previously this urge sought fulfillment in the temple, ashram and monastery, it now resorts to new venues: the office of the psychoanalyst, the weekend workshop, the panoply of newly spawned therapies and cults. However, despite the change of scene and conceptual framework, the basic pattern remains the same. Disgruntled with the ruts of our ingrained habits, we long to exchange all that is dense and constrictive in our personalities for a new, lighter, freer mode of being.

Self-transformation is also a fundamental goal of the Buddha's teaching, an essential part of his program for liberation from suffering. The Dhamma was never intended for those who are already perfect saints. It is addressed to fallible human beings beset with all the shortcomings typical of unpolished human nature: conduct that is fickle and impulsive, minds that are tainted by greed, anger and selfishness, views that are distorted and habits that lead to harm for oneself and others. The purpose of the teaching is to transform such people -- ourselves -- into "accomplished ones": into those whose every action is pure, whose minds are calm and composed, whose wisdom has fathomed the deepest truths and whose conduct is always marked by a compassionate concern for others and for the welfare of the world.

Between these two poles of the teaching -- the flawed and knotted personality that we bring with us as raw material into the training, and the fully liberated personality that emerges in the end -- there lies a gradual process of self-transformation governed by highly specific guidelines. This transformation is effected by the twin aspects of the path: abandoning (pahana), the removal from the mind of all that is harmful and unwholesome, and development (bhavana), the cultivation of qualities that are wholesome, pure and purifying.

What distinguishes the Buddha's program for self-transformation from the multitude of other systems proposing a similar end is the contribution made by another principle with which it is invariably conjoined. This is the principle of self-transcendence, the endeavor to relinquish all attempts to establish a sense of solid personal identity. In the Buddhist training the aim of transforming the personality must be complemented by a parallel effort to overcome all identification with the elements that constitute our phenomenal being. The teaching of anatta or not-self is not so much a philosophical thesis calling for intellectual assent as a prescription for self-transcendence. It maintains that our ongoing attempt to establish a sense of identity by taking our personalities to be "I" and "mine" is in actuality a project born out of clinging, a project that at the same time lies at the root of our suffering. If, therefore, we seek to be free from suffering, we cannot stop with the transformation of the personality into some sublime and elevated mode as the final goal. What is needed, rather, is a transformation that brings about the removal of clinging, and with it, the removal of all tendencies to self-affirmation.

It is important to stress this transcendent aspect of the Dhamma because, in our own time when "immanent" secular values are ascendent, the temptation is great to let this aspect drop out of sight. If we assume that the worth of a practice consists solely in its ability to yield concrete this-worldly results, we may incline to view the Dhamma simply as a means of refining and healing the divided personality, leading in the end to a renewed affirmation of our mundane selves and our situation in the world. Such an approach, however, would ignore the Buddha's insistence that all the elements of our personal existence are impermanent, unsatisfactory and not self, and his counsel that we should learn to distance ourselves from such things and ultimately to discard them.

In the proper practice of the Dhamma both principles, that of self-transformation and that of self-transcendence, are equally crucial. The principle of self-transformation alone is blind, leading at best to an ennobled personality but not to a liberated one. The principle of self-transcendence alone is barren, leading to a cold ascetic withdrawal devoid of the potential for enlightenment. It is only when these two complementary principles work in harmony, blended and balanced in the course of training, that they can bridge the gap between the actual and ideal and bring to a fruitful conclusion the quest for the end of suffering.

Of the two principles, that of self-transcendence claims primacy both at the beginning of the path and at the end. For it is this principle that gives direction to the process of self-transformation, revealing the goal towards which a transformation of the personality should lead and the nature of the changes required to bring the goal within our reach. However, the Buddhist path is not a perpendicular ascent to be scaled with picks, ropes and studded boots, but a step-by-step training which unfolds in a natural progression. Thus the abrupt challenge of self-transcendence -- the relinquishing of all points of attachment -- is met and mastered by the gradual process of self-transformation. By moral discipline, mental purification and the development of insight, we advance by stages from our original condition of bondage to the domain of untrammeled freedom.

Buddhist Publication Society Newsletter cover essay #16 (Summer-Fall 1990)
Copyright © 1990 Buddhist Publication Society
For free distribution only

Robert Thurman discourses Buddhism.

TEDTalks, visit www.ted.com

Thank you. And I feel like this whole evening has been sort of amazing to me, I feel it's sort of like the Vimalakirti Sutra, an ancient work from ancient India, in which the Buddha appears at the beginning and a whole bunch of people come to see him from the biggest city in the area, Vaisali, and to bring some jeweled parasols to make offering to him. All the young people, actually, from the city -- the old fogeys don't come, because they're mad at Buddha, because when he came to their city he accepted, he always accepts the first invitation that comes to him from whoever it is, and the local geisha, a movie star sort of person, raced the elders of the city in a chariot and invited him first.

So he was hanging out with the movie star, and of course they were all grumbling, "He's supposed to be religious and all this, what's he doing over there at Amrapali's house with all his 500 monks," and so on. They were all grumbling, and they boycotted him, they wouldn't go listen to him. But the young people all came. And they brought this kind of a jeweled parasol, and they put it on the ground. And as soon as they had laid all these, all their big stack of these jeweled parasols that they used to carry in ancient India, he performed a kind of special effect which made it into a giant planetarium, the wonder of the universe. Everyone looked in that and they saw in there the total interconnectedness of all life in all universes.

And of course in the Buddhist cosmos there are millions and billions of planets with human life on it, and enlightened beings can see the life on all the other planets -- so they don't, when they look out and they see those lights that you showed in the sky, they don't just see sort of pieces of matter burning or rocks or flames or gases exploding, they actually see landscapes and human beings and gods and dragons and serpent beings and goddesses and things like that.

THe made that special effect at the beginning to get people to think about interconnection and interconnectedness and how everything in life was totally interconnected.

And then Leilei (I know his other name) told us about interconnection and about how we're all totally interconnected here and how we've all known each other, and of course in the Buddhist universe we've already done this already billions of times in many many lifetimes in the past. And I didn't give the talk always..., YOU did, and we had to watch you, and so forth.

And we're all still trying to, I guess we're all trying to become TEDsters, if that's a modern form of enlightenment. I guess so. Because in a way, if TEDster relates to all the interconnectedness of all the computers and everything, it's the forging of a mass awareness, of where everybody can really know everything that's going on everywhere in the planet.

And therefore it will become intolerable -- what compassion is, is where it will become intolerable for us, totally intolerable that we sit here in comfort and in pleasure and enjoying the life of the mind or whatever it is, and there are people who are absolutely riddled with disease and they cannot have a bite of food and they have no place or they're being brutalized by some terrible person and so forth, it just becomes intolerable.

With all of us knowing everything, we're kind of forced by technology to become Buddhas or something, to become enlightened.

And of course, we all will be deeply disappointed when we do.

Because we think that, because we are kind of tired of what we do, a little bit tired, we do suffer, we do enjoy our misery in a certain way, we distract ourselves from our misery by running around somewhere, but basically we all have this common misery that we are stuck inside our skins and everyone else is out there.

And occasionally we get together with another person stuck in their skin and the two of us enjoy each other, and each of us tried to get out of our own, and ultimately it fails of course and we're back into this thing.

Because our egocentric perception -- from the Buddha's point of view, misperception -- is that all we are is what is inside our skin. And it's inside and outside, Self and Other, and Other is all very different. And everyone here is unfortunately carrying that habitual perception, a little bit, right?

You know, someone sitting next to you in a seat , that's okay because you're in a theater, but if you were sitting on a park bench and someone came up and sat that close to you, you'd freak out. "What do they want from me?" Like, "Who's that?" And so you wouldn't sit that close to another person because of your notion that it's you versus the universe -- that's all Buddha discovered.

Because that cosmic basic idea that it is us all alone, each of us, and everyone else is different, then that puts us in an impossible situation, doesn't it? Who is it who's going to get enough attention from the world, who's going to get enough out of the world, who's not going to be overrun by an infinite number of other beings -- if you're different from all the other beings?

So where compassion comes is where you surprisingly discover you lose yourself in some way, through art, through meditation, through understanding, through knowledge actually, knowing that you have no such boundary, knowing your interconnectedness with other beings. You can experience yourself as the other beings when you see through the delusion of being separated from them.

When you do that, you're forced to feel what they feel. Luckily, they say -- I still am not sure -- but, luckily, they say that when you reach that point, because some people have said in the Buddhist literature, they say "Ooh, who would really want to be compassionate, how awful! I'm so miserable on my own, my head is aching, my bones are aching, I go from birth to death, I'm never satisfied, I never have enough, even I'm a billionaire I never have enough, I need a hundred billion, so I'm like that, imagine if I had to feel even a hundred other people's suffering. It would be terrible."

But apparently, this is a strange paradox of life, when you're no longer locked in yourself, and as the wisdom, or the intelligence, or the scientific knowledge of the nature of the world, that enables you to let your mind spread out, and empathize, and enhance the basic human ability of empathizing, and realizing that you are the other being, somehow by that opening, you can see the deeper nature of life, and you can, you get away from this terrible iron circle of I, me, me, mine, like the Beatles used to sing.

You know, we really learned everything in the ’60s. Too bad nobody ever woke up to it, and they've been trying to suppress it since then. I me me mine, it's like a perfect song, that song. A perfect teaching.

But when we're relieved from that, we somehow then become interested in all the other beings. And we feel ourselves differently. It's totally strange, it's totally strange.

The Dalai Lama always likes to say, he says that when you give birth in your mind to the idea of compassion, it's because you realize that you yourself and your pains and pleasures are finally too small a theater for your intelligence, it's really too boring whether you feel like this or like that, or what, you know -- and the more you focus on how you feel, by the way, the worse it gets. Like, even when you're having a good time, when is the good time over? The good time is over when you think, How good is it? and then it's never good enough.

I love that Leilei said that the way of helping those who are suffering badly on the physical plane or on other planes is having a good time, doing it by having a good time.

I think the Dalai Lama should have heard that, I wish he'd been there to hear that. He once told me, he looked kind of sad, he worries very much about the haves and have-nots, he looked a little sad because he said, Well, a hundred years ago, they went and took everything away from the haves. You know, the big communist revolutions, Russia and China and so forth, they took it all away by violence, saying they were going to give it to everyone, and then they were even worse. They didn't help at all.

So what could possibly change this terrible gap that has opened up in the world today?

And so then, ah, he looks at me.

So I said, Well, you know, you're all in this yourself. You teach: it's generosity. Was all I could think of. What is virtue.

But of course, ... I think the key to saving the world, the key to compassion is that, it is more fun. It should be done by fun. Generosity is more fun, that's the key.

Everybody has the wrong idea -- they think Buddha was so boring, and they're so surprised when they meet Dalai Lama and he's fairly jolly

Even though his people are being genocided, and believe me he feels every blow on every old nun's head, in every Chinese prison, he feels it. He feels the way they are harvesting yaks nowadays, I won't even say what they do. But he feels it.

And yet he's very jolly, he's extremely jolly.

Because, because when you open up like that, then you can't just, what good does it do to add being miserable with others' misery? You have to find some vision where you see how hopeful it is, how it can be changed.

Look at that beautiful thing Chiho showed us, she scared us with the lava man, she scaaared us with the lava man is coming, then the tsunami is coming, but then finally there was flowers, and trees, and it was very beautiful. It's really lovely.

So, compassion means to feel the feelings of others, and the human being actually IS compassion. (The human being is almost out of time.)

The human being IS compassion because what is our brain for? Now, Jim's brain is memorizing the almanac. But he could memorize all the needs of all the beings that he is, he will, he did. He could memorize all kinds of fantastic things to help many beings. And he would have tremendous fun doing that.

So the first person who gets happy, when you stop focusing on the self-centered situation of "how happy am I?" where you're always dissatisfied as Mick Jagger told us -- you never get any satisfaction that way -- so then you decide, "Well, I'm sick of myself, I'm going to think of how other people can be happy. I'm going to get up in the morning and think, 'What can I do for even one other person, even a dog, my dog, my cat, my pet, my butterfly.'" And the first person who gets happy when you do that, you don't do anything for anybody else, but YOU get happier, you yourself, because suddenly your whole perception broadens, and you suddenly see the whole world and all of the people in it. And you realize that this -- being with all these people -- is the flower garden that Chiho showed us.

It is Nirvana

And my time is up.