Anxious times.

Why We Worry (and what we can do about it by Dr. Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D.


We all worry at times. Occasionally for good reason. But worrying can get way out of hand. Worrying and anxiety are intimately related. Anxiety can manifest in many ways, including persistent, excessive worrying. For example, in Generalized Anxiety Disorder, excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation) about events such as school or work performance has been present more days than not for a period of at least six months. By definition, this continual worrying is difficult to control and causes clinically significant distress and/or impairment in social, occupational or other daily activities. Ironically, worrying--which is typically an attempt to anticipate and prevent bad things happening-- tends to make one even more anxious, creating a never-ending and constantly escalating vicious cycle of anxiety-worry-more anxiety-more worry, etc. Why do we worry as much as we do? What exactly is it we worry about? And how can we worry a little less?
First and foremost, we fear the future. The unknown. We worry about what will happen to us, our family, our partner, our business, our money, our home, our possessions, our country, the world, etc. We live in a universe which is inherently unpredictable, dangerous and deadly. Indeed, anxiety (and the worry it generates which generates more anxiety) can be understood as an acute or subliminal awareness of life's insecurity. And the ever-present possibility and absolute inevitability of death. So much of what we worry about has to do with losing what we have: health, happiness, love, wealth, power, status, wisdom, freedom, independence, support, vitality and, ultimately, life itself. Either through making some mistaken choice or via the vagaries of fate. Existential anxiety is a recognition, either conscious or unconscious, that life is finite, existence tenuous, and that all or what little we have can be taken from us at any time. This is why existential psychotherapy places such emphasis on the experience of anxiety, seeing it as an inescapable and even necessary aspect of the human condition. And it is why we worry so much about making important decisions: We don't want to deal with the consequences of making a mistake. So we procrastinate, avoiding the existential anxiety of choosing without knowing for certain whether we are right or wrong.

In his classic work The Meaning of Anxiety (1950, 1977 ) existential psychoanalyst Rollo May differentiated between normal and pathological anxiety, suggesting that neurotic or even psychotic anxiety typically stems from the chronic avoidance of normal or existential anxiety. In other words, when we refuse to accept and tolerate anxiety as an inescapable part of existence (and the "dizziness" of our freedom, as Kierkegaard pointed out), we paradoxically set ourselves up for the appearance of pathological anxiety and pathological worrying. Some worrying and concern for the future may be unavoidable, and, in certain situations, necessary and potentially helpful. We need the capacity for anxiety to anticipate danger, detect and deal with fundamental threats to our basic survival, to motivate and energize us, to warn us when we have been inauthentic or betrayed our basic values, to grow more fully conscious and become more creative. But when we try to avoid or repress this healthy anxiety by denying reality and our true feelings, it turns toxic, taking the neurotic form of persistent worrying, chronic tension and fatigue, disturbed sleep, headaches, hypervigilance, irritability, restlessness, impaired concentration, digestive and other physical problems, panic attacks, paranoia and myriad other debilitating psychiatric symptoms. Our non-stop worrying has made us sick. And then we worry about having these symptoms, causing even greater anxiety.

Worrying can also pertain to wanting to be perceived by the world as we wish. And desiring to see ourselves as we want to be seen. When we are heavily invested in projecting and maintaining a certain image or persona to others, we must be ever-watchful and guarded about that particular persona being penetrated and seen through. We worry about being exposed. Being known. Found out, as, for example, in the so-called "imposter syndrome." Being judged. Criticized. And we worry about knowing ourselves. About being confronted with who and what we truly are. We humans innately harbor a primal fear of the unconscious, the unknown, and of what C.G. Jung termed the shadow. For the persona, as Jung pointed out, is specifically designed to hide our shadow, to keep us from fully knowing ourselves as well as for fooling others. For many, the facade or persona of a competent, confident adult disguises a worried, anxious little girl or boy trying to get by in a scary grown up world. Any circumstance that potentiates such embarrassing exposure, revealing the real person behind the mask, is deeply threatening and, therefore, extremely worrisome. Anticipatory anxiety kicks in: What if I can't hide my feelings? My insecurity? My love? My sadness? My rage? My neediness? My vulnerability? My true self? What many try so hard to hide and worry so much about others seeing is the fact that they feel anxious in the first place. We worry about what people will think of us if they know we have anxieties or insecurities. So we work hard and worry about how to conceal our shameful anxiety, which only makes it stronger and doubly difficult to disguise. Ad nauseum.

So what is the solution to this perennial dilemma? How can we stop our excessive worrying? Cognitive-behavioral therapy attempts to help patients see that their worrying is irrational and counterproductive. That it serves no purpose, heightens anxiety, and does nothing to prevent that which we worry about from taking place. "Catastrophizing," for example, is a very common kind of worrying in which we imagine the worst case scenario possible even for relatively minor events. Yet, in reality, such cataclysmic outcomes fortunately rarely occur. So why continue to do it to ourselves? True enough. Reasonable. Logical. But neurotic worrying and anxiety are, by definition, not rational. And as with other irrational symptoms like delusions in psychotic patients, they are not very amenable to rational disputation. Nor--despite the fact that psychiatric drugs like Lexapro or Klonopin can help reduce anxiety and thereby lessen excessive worrying--are they all that amenable to pharmacological intervention over long periods of time, since this treatment can become yet another potentially habituating type of avoidance. Existential psychiatrist Viktor Frankl employed a technique he called paradoxical intention: rather than worrying about controlling and concealing your anxiety, willing instead to be as anxious as possible in certain nerve-wracking contexts can paradoxically decrease your situational anxiety and worry. This is sometimes a helpful trick. But we need to dig deeper. We must also address what underlies and drives the obsessional worrying, the underlying anxiety itself. And discern the significance of that anxiety rather than trying merely to medicate it out of existence.

Existential philosopher Soren Kierkegaard felt that anxiety can be our best teacher. So the crucial question is whether we are willing to stop worrying long enough to listen to what our anxiety has to tell us. To sink more fully into our anxiety rather than run from it. To be more present to it. Is it a warning of some kind? An alarm or wake up call? An overactive thyroid or perhaps a sign of some other latent physiological illness? A byproduct of some psychoactive stimulant, like caffeine, nicotine, cocaine or amphetamine? Or a "signal," as Freud suggested, that we are resisting becoming more conscious of something unconscious and conflictual? Or could it be a psychological call to arms? An urgent inner necessity for action? Might it herald the pressing need to change our life, our persona, our relationships, our world-view? To live in closer alignment with our true temperament? Establish better balance in our personality or life-style? To seek some new sense of spiritual purpose and meaning? Find a more fulfilling work, social or love life? Or could anxiety sometimes be a clarion call and a spur to greater creative expression? (I discuss the close connections between anger, anxiety and creativity in my book Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic.)


Existential psychotherapy suggests that we must learn to accept and tolerate our anxiety, and that some anxiety is the inescapable price of being free, conscious, mortal and responsible for ourselves. But is this necessarily so? Philosopher and theologian Alan Watts, in his brilliant book Psychotherapy East and West (1961), doesn't buy it. What, Watts wonders, if we were to just stop caring so much about what we have to lose? In Buddhism, for instance, suffering (which certainly includes worrying and anxiety) is seen as the consequence of having too much desire, grasping or attachment. Attachment to material things. Desire to have certain feelings or experiences, and not others. Grasping for what we don't or cannot have. Expectations about how life, relationships, and people should be, and what the fruits of our efforts will bring. What if it were to turn out that we actually have nothing to lose? Because, in reality, we have nothing but our existence itself. All else is accoutrements or accessories. And what if even our existence is nothing more than a dream? A very convincing hallucination? (See my previous posts about reality and the movie Inception.) Or, in Hindu and Buddhist terminology, mere maya or illusion. What then is there to worry about? How can one lose what one doesn't really have? Or what one doesn't truly need? This would not be to say that we no longer care about others or the world. Only that we choose to be less attached to and more accepting of the world and what happens in it. Living in the world but not being of it. Ultimately, less anxiously attached to our own continued existence. And, therefore, less fearful of our own demise. We would be virtually liberated from worry. But such liberation is much easier said than done. For one thing, the survival instinct is primitive and supremely powerful. Traditional Western religions take a similar tack and serve a similar purpose: Spiritual faith in an all-powerful God and belief in life-after-death for some makes life more meaningful, mitigates anxiety, and diminishes excessive worrying. Unswerving faith and trust in a benevolent and omniscient God and relinquishing control eliminates any need to worry about what will happen. It's all in God's hands. The philosophical concept of predestination--that all is predetermined and planned for us in life, that free will is just an illusion, and that therefore it makes no difference what our decisions and choices are since the outcome is set--is yet another method of precluding the need to worry.

Still, there is no denying that death anxiety--or really, it's avoidance--is the surreptitious source of so many of our daily worries. When our worries are carefully examined and carried out to their logical conclusions, death is often what we find lurking there. Fear of death. Fear of Hell. Fear of reincarnation. Fear of nothingness or oblivion. Fear of suffering. As Woody Allen once put it, "I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens." But what happens when we no longer dread death, but rather accept it as merely the necessary counterpart to life, as darkness is the counterpart to light? When we embrace suffering as the necessary counterpart to joy, pleasure and happiness? Opposite poles of the same existence. And when we see that there really is no such thing as security in life. Except for that sense of security that comes from within. A spiritual rather than physical security. We arrive at what Watts called in another superb book the "wisdom of insecurity." We realize that our constant worrying was always a way of denying these existential facts. Of escaping the present. Of avoiding our existential anxiety. Of trying to convince ourselves that we have more control over life than we actually do.

Relinquishing our illusions of control, accepting our relative powerlessness over life and death, and accepting ourselves as we are--including our anxiety--can be extremely liberating. It can allow us to stop worrying so much, and get on with living. The mysterious future will unfold soon enough. Make necessary plans and decisions. But don't dwell on them or their desired outcomes. Focus instead on what's happening right now, this very moment, however anxiety-provoking, painful, difficult or infuriating, rather than anxiously anticipating what may or may not happen next. And when you catch yourself worrying way too much about something, remind yourself that sooner or later you, just like all who have come before us, will be dead. We are destined to die someday. Given that sobering realization, how many matters are really worth worrying about? Try that existential perspective on for size. You might find it refreshing.

Dr. Diamond is co-founder and director of the Existential Psychotherapy Center of Southern California, a clinical training program for mental health professionals and graduate students located in Los Angeles.

Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/50038

Empowering your thoughts triggers peace of mind.

Peace of mind is a way of living in the present moment. In the immediacy of life, we are always a few actions away from chaos. Life is an organic process, in constant motion. Ergo, letting go of the Ego's need for control is how best to live this life and maintain a sense of effortless equilibrium. Not for the gratification seekers, is this methodology. However, for people who operate life with a hurry-up life-script and are highly stressed, and want to actually manage their lives differently, deepening their awareness of how to do this begins with the first step: being present. Not later. Not tomorrow or next week. Now.

Changing an approach/action/reaction to a situation is a powerful action. Doing things the same way and expecting a different outcome is what Einstein stated as a marker of insanity! Actually thinking for a few moments before responding/reacting is already an improvement. Our brains hardwiring does the firing. Bringing into awareness is the profound discipline of self mastery; pause then respond.

Technology has massive benefits, however it is artificial intelligence. The brain is not artificial. It is an organ. In our vastly accelerated lifestyle we operate in a faster modes of connecting. Instant gratification or not at all. Fail fast.

Awareness is an antidote.Mindfulness as a way of life creates a state of equipoise. The ideal of a balanced life means taking responsibility for ALL of your actions. Less people/life skills malfunction moments, less to mend.

In Transactional Analysis Therapy; the therapeutic framework is defined by the Three Ego States, Parent/Adult/Child. Then there are the Ego drivers: Be Perfect. Hurry up. Try Hard. Please others. Be Strong. The Ego drives will fire off according to your life script/narrative's needs. Expanding your role in life is learning how to meet your needs. We are here in this life to excel, thrive and flourish. We are born princes and princess's who often become frogs.

Reclaiming authenticity begins with trusting in the process of life. Authenticity, lifting the veil of illusion, revealing what is behind the fear generated mask. Being bullet-proof, barricaded avoidant, whatever label your want to tag onto your persona as a mechanism for keeping people at a "safe" controlled distance, keeps you isolated. Breaking free from the binds of flawed perceptions is an opportunity to challenge your inner critic's stinking thinking. It is illusory thinking that your can do this later/when.... "when" has a habit of NEVER happening.

Cultivating peace, developing a place within the recess of our psyche that we can retreat to, is a powerful discipline, an antidote to the propensity of over-thinking. In contemprary and ancient spiritual/mythological and philosophical readings much is written and recommended about the importance of Ego deflation, detachment, mindfullnes, compassion and empathy in order to transcending patterns/themes of an individuals lifetime.

Breaking the treaty is becoming who you were meant to be, means letting go of who you are not.
A journey of lifetime. Slowly peeling the layers of illusory thinking away. There is strength in being vulnerable, taking risks and actualising instrinsic courage.

Fear triggers stress which stimulates increased brain activity/impulsivity. Discipline is training the mind to explore the space between an action and a reaction. It may only be for a nanosecond but it is will make all the difference in the outcome if thinking about doing it differently is applied. Patterns and theme dominant habitual behaviours, default settings, our brain is hardwired to connect and react in a nano-second.

Fight or flight or respond with Ego strengths intact? Every action is energy in motion, E-motion. Therefore, autonomous being is available in the present moment. To retrain rogue, reactive, neural pathways, it is recommended that simply pausing, breathing and thinking about a response or even requesting time to do this with generate new/positive patterns in the art of Self-Mastery.

Your ability to breathe deeply, a few chest opening/expanding breathes, for a few moments will make a massive difference in harnessing fear by bringing in you back to the present moment.
Then you can give your self what you need. Often when we are afraid, we fail to self nurture, or protect. For example, creative visualisation is a powerful tool for handling stress. When I feel threatened I can breath, pause my thoughts, still my mind, and imagine in that moment that I have everything I need to take care of myself, that I am capable, that I am enough and that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Acceptance of whatever is occurring is key to Self-Mastery. Every challenging situation presents an opportunity to apply a self empowering technique. Projecting into the future a worse case scenario script maybe your first choice, creating a positive intention means a re-write, often going against what you wish to happen. Timeline therapy aids the process of retrieving unresolved issues. Revisiting the past allows us to process the art of self-forgiveness, to forgive ourselves when we failed to be our best, do our best or follow through positive intentions.

A sense of inner peace is realised when we process fully all our emotions. Blocking this blocks the ability to have empathy. When there is an absence of empathy in how we engage with others, selfishness is unbridled.

Seva, doing service is consciously taking responsibility for how our actions can be of benefit to others. The antidote to selflessness is thinking about ways to make someone happy, feel nurtured, regarded and valued as a vital, essential human being. Peace of mind is a happy state of being.

Peace is perfected activity; that is perfect which is complete in all its aspects, balanced in each direction and under complete control of the will.

The following Commentary is by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:
It is useless to discuss the peace of the world. What is necessary just now is to create peace in ourselves that we, ourselves, become examples of love, harmony and peace. That is the only way of saving the world and ourselves.

Peace is independently felt within oneself. It is not dependent upon the outer sensation. It is something that belongs to one, something that is one's own self. ... Peace is not a knowledge, peace is not a power, peace is not a happiness, but peace is all these. And besides, peace is productive of happiness. Peace inspires one with knowledge of the seen and unseen, and in peace is to be found the divine Presence. It is not the excited one who conquers in this continual battle of life. It is the peaceful one who tolerates all, who forgives all, who understands all, who assimilates all things. The one who lacks peace, with all his possessions, the property of this earth or quality of mind, is poor even with both. He has not got that wealth which may be called divine and without which man's life is useless. For true life is in peace, a life which will not be robbed by death.

The secret of mysticism, the mystery of philosophy, all is to be attained after the attainment of peace. You cannot refuse to recognize the divine in a person who is a person of peace. It is not the talkative, it is not the argumentative one, who proves to be wise. He may have intellect, worldly wisdom, and yet may not have pure intelligence, which is real wisdom. True wisdom is to be found in the peaceful, for peacefulness is the sign of wisdom. It is the peaceful one who is observant. It is peace that gives him the power to observe keenly. It is the peaceful one, therefore, who can conceive, for peace helps him to conceive. It is the peaceful who can contemplate; one who has no peace cannot contemplate properly. Therefore, all things pertaining to spiritual progress in life depend upon peace.

And now the question is what makes one lack peace? The answer is, love of sensation. A person who is always seeking to experience life in movement, in activity, in whatever form, wants more and more of that experience. In the end he becomes dependent upon the life which is outside, and so he loses in the end his peace, the peace which is his real self. ... the first thing is to seek the kingdom of God within ourselves, in which there is our peace. As soon as we have found that, we have found our support, we have found our self. And in spite of all the activity and movement on the surface, we shall be able to keep that peace undisturbed if only we hold it fast by becoming conscious of it.

May you find lasting happiness and peace. May all of us who share this planet go forward together into the new year in harmony.

Peace of mind is about embodying a compassionate world-view. Open your heart to experience compassion for yourself and others. This state of play, is augmented by thinking of someone you love with every cell in your body. It can be your partner, spouse or a close friend. Your child. Parent or sibling. Someone who makes you smile with your heart.

Because it is all about love; if in doubt, ask yourself "What would love do?" Love overcomes feelings of discontent, isolation, alienation and unhappiness. Love has the power to process loss and or forgiveness. A mantra helps us to love ourselves, our thoughts, our lives, our essential being. Re-energising the flow of love is about overcoming selfishness. Ergo, doing something for someone else and not needing acknowledgement.

We learn about love from our parents. If you were fortunate to receive unconditional love from your family then you are blessed with the ability to self-nurture and engage with others without the need to edit your feelings.

I believe that we create out reality. Every day has an abundant amount of opportunities to amplify your awareness. People who operate on a higher frequency of awareness are vital, healthy human beings.

We all experience times in which we are challenged, want to run. avoid taking the next step towards changing a negative into a positive. It is good to know what your strengths are. And how you can renew your life-force.

The body is a sophisticated machine. Take good care of it and your body will respond in kind with abundant energy. How to increase your bodies natural fire ( Agni) is by nourishing your body with healthy food, sufficient rest/sleep.

Make time each day to quieten your mind in meditation. Exercise. Easy does it, but do it. Sign up for a course in Qi Gong and boost your immune system. Create peace of mind. Maintain a healthy equilibrium.

Learn to cook if you don't know how. If you do already, explore more ways to enjoy the aroma and taste of your cooking. I love layering in spices. Even our porridge! In winter it is good to increase the potency of food by adding spices. I add spices to do two things; color and taste. They never disappoint.

I can over-think my way into an avoidant dilemma; procrastination is my downfall. Therefore, mastering time is key to achieving what one must do in order to stay on top in the game of life.
Even though there are things I would rather not do,now or ever, doing these things has a knock-on effect of making me feel good...

For many of us, relationships can either empower us - win-win/love-love or make us feel resentful- victim/blame-game/triangulating dynamics that disempower us and others. The ensuing power struggle eventually destroys relationships.

I recommend doing a Metta Meditation as we ease into 2012. Try it every day for a month as part of your Meditation practice. Best done at the end of the day so that any slow-burn resentments can be reality-checked - self mastery means taking ownership of ALL aspects of your behavior.

Below is a Metta Meditation that I find life changing. Try it. I wish you all an "examined life" in 2012. It was Socrates who stated that "An unexamined life is not worth living" Self - reflection is the antidote for self-denial.

Altering perceptions, create positive and challenge fear and doubt.
A daily discipline I practice:
Metta- Loving Kindness.
The original name of this practice is "metta bhavana" which comes from the Pali language. Metta means ‘love’ (in a non-romantic sense), friendliness, or kindness: hence ‘loving-kindness’ for short. It is an emotion, something you feel in your heart. Bhavana means development or cultivation. The commonest form of the practice is in five stages, each of which should last about five minutes for a beginner.

1. In the first stage, you feel metta for yourself. You start by becoming aware of yourself, and focusing on feelings of peace, calm, and tranquillity. Then you let these grow in to feelings of strength and confidence, and then develop into love within your heart. You can use an image, like golden light flooding your body, or a phrase such as ‘may I be well and happy’, which you can repeat to yourself. These are ways of stimulating the feeling of metta for yourself.
2. In the second stage think of a good friend. Bring them to mind as vividly as you can, and think of their good qualities. Feel your connection with your friend, and your liking for them, and encourage these to grow by repeating ‘may they be well; may they be happy’ quietly to yourself. You can also use an image, such as shining light from your heart into theirs. You can use these techniques — a phrase or an image — in the next two stages as well.

3. Then think of someone you do not particularly like or dislike. Your feelings are ‘neutral’. This may be someone you do not know well but see around. You reflect on their humanity, and include them in your feelings of metta.
4. Then think of someone you actually dislike — an enemy. Trying not to get caught up in any feelings of hatred, you think of them positively and send your metta to them as well.
5. In the final stage, first of all you think of all four people together — yourself, the friend, the neutral person, and the enemy. Then extend your feelings further — to everyone around you, to everyone in your neighbourhood; in your town, your country, and so on throughout the world. Have a sense of waves of loving-kindness spreading from your heart to everyone, to all beings everywhere. Then gradually relax out of meditation, and bring the practice to an end.
I recommend beginning to develop a Metta practice this way then you can extend this to an audio format. For now learning how to develop new neural pathways begin this way. Think you way into feeling positive.
Metta.

All illness come from a state of non-acceptance.

“My message is the practice of compassion, love and kindness. These things are very useful in our daily life, and also for the whole of human society these practices can be very important.” - Dalai Lama

Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences.

In order to sustain motivation it is vital for the purpose of holistic balance in all aspects of our daily life, that we get out need recognised. If we can't do this for ourselves then we will additionally struggle in the exchange that occurs when we engage with others.
This is the definitive and original Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
The Psychological/Spiritual Contract:
Self-actualisation is living an autonomous/authentic life.Practicing awareness, honesty, freedom and trust.
Erikson's Psychosocial Theory of Human Development is a positive framework to aspire to.
While Maslow referred to various additional aspects of motivation, he expressed the Hierarchy of Needs in these five clear stages.
1. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.

3. Belongingness and Love needs - work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.

4. Esteem needs - self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.

5. Cognitive needs - knowledge, meaning, etc.

6. Aesthetic needs - appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.

7. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

8. Self-transcendence - recognising the needs and wants of the human condition in a way the embodies compassion as the primary purpose to engender the self-actualisation of others.


Conversely, if the things that satisfy our lower order needs are swept away, we are no longer concerned about the maintenance of our higher order needs.

Maslow's original Hierarchy of Needs model was developed between 1943-1954, and first widely published in Motivation and Personality in 1954. At this time the Hierarchy of Needs model comprised five needs. This original version remains for most people the definitive Hierarchy of Needs.

Like any simple model, Maslow's theory not a fully responsive system - it's a guide which requires some interpretation and thought, given which, it remains extremely useful and applicable for understanding, explaining and handling many human behaviour situations.

Normally, we would consider that selflessly helping others, as a form of personal growth motivation, would be found as part of self-actualisation, or perhaps even 'transcendence' (if you subscribe to the extended hierarchy).

So how can we explain the examples of people who seem to be far short of self-actualising, and yet are still able to help others in a meaningful and unselfish sense?
This where practicing the guidelines found in the way of life that aspires to a non-violent approach to the human condition.
Projecting onto others our "movie" and expectations our "script" is about the need to control and or be in control. In the West we are taught that knowledge is power. We are aspire to reach the "holy grail" of existence - "living the dream"...

The veil of illusion binds us in a form of physic bondage to all things external as the antidote for fixing the hole in our soul. In an age of stimulation overload it is to be expected that heightened stress levels are the root cause many mental and physical illnesses.

It has taken me many attempts at understanding the hierarchy of existence to understand the importance of compassion. Spiritual fatigue robs us of the opportunity to be present. In the moment. Enriching our lives requires the discipline of being able to retreat within on a daily basis.

Not navel gazing. But actually going deeper into the recesses of ones psyche. Meditation is a wonderful way of "stopping the madness" unhooking from the intensity of existence.
Be still. Come back to your essential essence. Love and fear do blend together. Fear is projecting into the future. Situational depression is obsessing about the past - anxiety, the future. Nothing real can threatened. Nothing unreal exists.
At the heart of learning to work at love and love your work is the importance of developing compassion. Caring for your self leads to caring for others in an empowering way. Nurturing the brilliance of the human spirit is vital for humanity to flourish.

The word compassion comes from Latin and means "to bear with" or "to suffer with." Compassion and empathy are essential human qualities that allow one to feel, understand, and respond to the suffering of others. They enable individuals to enter into and maintain relationships of caring. The ability to care has been identified by Martin Heidegger as a fundamental aspect of the human condition. In every society the sick and the dying have been treated with compassionate care. This is a universal human response. Many of the world's major religions hold compassion as one of the highest spiritual virtues.

Dynamic compassion, or Ahimsa in Hinduism, is known as the God quality within a person. It is an open-hearted active response of respect, service, and care for those in need. It was a prime aspect of Gandhi's nonviolent liberation movement. Compassion is also a central tenet of Buddhism. The Buddha manifested absolute compassion for all creation. Buddhist compassion, or karuna, is seen as the appropriate human response to understanding the interdependence and mutual welfare of all beings. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, compassion is a manifestation of God's love and mercy. It is the way God interacts with creation and is, therefore, the way people should interact with one another. In all of these spiritual traditions, directly addressing the suffering of others through compassionate care is a religious obligation. In such responses we can see the hallmark of our shared humanity.

To have compassion or to "suffer with" another implies a quality of imagination and an identifying with the other's pain as something we can vicariously feel along with them, however tangentially. Compassion is an active choice to want with others and to want for others the alleviation of their suffering. In acting compassionately we acknowledge that we all share the same conditions of mortality; we all suffer and we all die.

Empathy derives from a Greek root word meaning, "in feeling" or "feeling into." A component of compassion, empathy is the recognition and understanding of the other's suffering. It is a deep appreciation for what it is truly like to be in the other's situation from his or her perspective. Empathy requires an openness to receiving and holding the other's experience without reservation or judgment. Empathy is passive but absolutely attentive. It involves entering into and staying present in the painful experience of the other without moving away from that experience by trying to change it. Empathy establishes a deep connection of mutual vulnerability and intimacy.

The dying are often subject to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and helplessness. Some of their suffering can be ameliorated by the strong sense of connection to the other that empathy brings. For the caregiver as well, an empathetic connection to another person nearing the end of life can offer the gratification of a uniquely intimate relationship.

Compassion encompasses empathy. Empathy is that aspect of compassion that opens one to a deep understanding of the other's suffering. Compassion also involves an active concern for and effort to alleviate that suffering. That is why compassion is sometimes called "love in action" by Mother Teresa. Compassionate action is a willingness to go beyond self-interest and give of oneself for the good of the other. In this regard it is similar to altruism, letting go of one's own needs to attend to the needs of another so that one can meet one's own deepest need: to feel a part of a larger shared humanity.

Compassion is a key aspect of care of the dying. K. R. Eissler, in his seminal work on caring for the dying, The Psychiatrist and the Dying Patient (1955), sets the tone when he advises caregivers to give themselves selflessly to the dying as a free gift of love. Other researchers and those writing from their personal experience of being with the dying have echoed Eissler's advice.

A terminal illness deepens one's need for empathy and compassion in physicians and caregivers. Unfortunately, it has often been found that it is just at this stage that physicians, family, friends, and caregivers can emotionally distance themselves from the dying. Those attending and caring for the dying, in such cases, have the opportunity to receive from them. By being open, empathetically present, and compassionate, they can themselves be healed in their humanity and experience the gift of an extraordinary intimacy.

Compassionately attending to the dying is often deeply rewarding. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross felt that a loving and caring commitment to the dying would help heal the isolation and division that is so destructive in modern life. She saw such commitment as helping to build broader forms of commitment within society that would benefit all of humanity. In being open and compassionately present to the dying, caregivers share the burden of suffering and of anticipatory grief with them. They also share with the dying the solidarity of their committed relationship together and the joy that intimacy can bring. This is what Stephen Levine (1979) calls the experiences of "cosmic humor" in their last journey together.

Someone mourning the death of an acquaintance, friend, or loved one also needs the support of compassionate care and the empathetic presence of others. Cultural and religious rituals of dying, death, and mourning can help one find meaning and comfort in loss. Compassion and empathy are gifts that people can share throughout their lives.

One Planet, many worlds.

Our individual worldviews define and inform our daily patterns and themes of co-existence. Two people, even though they are very close, like-minded souls, will often differ in their world views. And so it is. What to do? A healing life lesson is to learn how to observe one another without the need to evaluate one another.

When we evaluate each other we are sharing our formed and often not asked asked for,opinions. Knowledge is power. And there is even greater power in knowing when to evaluate and when to suspend judgement. Most people hear an evaluation as criticism, and will automatically react. Moreover they will block and disengage. If all relationships, in their beginnings, represent a beautiful swimming pool, then blocking one another will result in the formulation of "no-go" areas. Eventually there is little space in this once beautiful pool to move. Feeling this people "swim" away.

When we sense this happening and feel powerless to overcome this impasse, learning how to be available for your own needs and then others requires a shift in relating dynamics.

Relationship ruptures/conflicts occur and if neither party "has their voice" they will adapt a victim/resistance stance. Lingering resentments stockpile and this habit eventually needs to come out. What is a resentment? A premeditated expectation.

Habitually, people tend to apply a defensive stance usually through a pattern of over-talking a conflict, defending their territory with an absence of acceptance and forgiveness. All incomplete transactions fester away.

When I began to apply willingness to be honest, open, validating, trusting, empathic and compassionate I am operating on a higher level of awareness. I am creating in the moment the opportunity to be listen to learn and learn to listen. Most people just want to be heard, then understood, then actions can occur that meet their needs. Then, relationships will improve, deepen in the realm of emotional/spiritual and intellectually closeness.

"How do we cultivate the conditions for joy to expand? We train in staying present. In sitting meditation, we train in mindfulness and maitri: in being steadfast with our bodies, our emotions, our thoughts. We stay with our own little plot of earth and trust that it can be cultivated, that cultivation will bring it to its full potential. Even though it’s full of rocks and the soil is dry, we begin to plow this plot with patience. We let the process evolve naturally" states Pema Chodron

I suggest that you become aware of your Ego drivers according to the frame-work of Transactional Analysis which are: Please others. Be right. Be strong. Try hard. Hurry up.

Ego drives manifest in a nano-second. The antidote to your hard wiring doing the firing is further compounded by a lack of compassion and empathy with yourself and with others. The following dynamics for creating new neural pathways will engender infinite possibilities to run your relationships in a new direction.

To learn new ways of being is possible - practice, practice, practice!
Being present - hit the pause button. Deepen your emotional connections by taking risks and speaking your truth - not what you think they want to hear - but what they need to hear from you about you. Transcend a pattern of lifetime; "knee-jerk" responses will create a self-fulfilling prophecy: you disempowering you! Pause to listen with your all your senses tuning in to the moment. It is not necessary to fill the void with a "solution." Ask for what you want is an assertive non-aggressive way without using demands, guilt or shame to "get what you want." Tune into your intuition to experience the needs beneath what you or others are expressing.
The golden relationship rule: Every interaction is a transaction.

Conversation on wellness.

Simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way thing are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching